I have been in a funk a lately. I have been feeling extremely melancholic and utterly uninspired (see previous entry) that I think I might be heading to depression. When I am sad, I either shop (so gay I know) or I clean (gayer still) but because I am trying to save up for something, I decided to clean my room instead.
While cleaning my room, I stumbled upon a stack of old notes from way back when papemelroti was still cheap -not too long ago, thank you very much- and I saw innocuously hidden beneath the stack is my small brown journal. I still remember this journal from that period in my life when I was obsessed with love and the future. Yes people, it was college, 3rd to 4th year in fact (and yes I was still keeping a journal then, soo juvenile, yeah sue me like I care). I read thru the entries and between fits of embarrassment (I was so mushy) and maniacal laughter (I was so bratty), I realized that not much has changed for me. Of course, I have matured (yes, this is already mature for me) and I am less naïve, cuter with more disposable income (and fatter much to my dismay) but inside I am still that same old Lawrence. My interests are the same, (or just a derivative of a former interest) and my life is still stucked in that same old pattern. I go through stages of extreme happiness, giddiness, melancholy, and sadness-to-the-point-of-suicide-drama. I am like a frog stucked in an endless cycle of animation and hibernation.
A couple of entries in my old journal struck a chord. One was talking about an old crush and how I was so enamored by his smile and boyish ways (I was not yet out then so most of the entries used sexless pronouns) and one was how depressed I was and discontented with my life. Reading my old emotions is like having an out of body experience. Everything was so intense then; a simple glance from a crush can make me jump up and down in ecstasy while a simple fishball incident (a funny immature spat with a close friend) can cause my whole world to collapse. Back then I can feel a whole gamut of emotions. Unstable yes, but still enviable. I was living, breathing and absorbing life then with all the zeal and gusto of a child in Disney land. I was wide eyed ( still is – literally) and was ready for everything. Back then the entire world I know is the future, waiting for me with open arms and red flowers, ready to shower me with all the opportunities and happiness that will make up all 4 years of academic torture. The anticipation of the future and what the world has to offer me has made me live my life as if I am the principal character in a fairy tale perpetually waiting for that savior that is ready to save me and show how great the world is.
Fast forward to the now, and I know otherwise (yeah I know you know it too). I don’t want to go into a rant of how I think I am not supposed to be like this and how I feel I should be doing something especial by now, etc etc etc (unfortunately I still have yet to grow out of my megalomania). But I just have to wonder what has happened to have changed me from a wide eyed expectant teen to an apathetic mid twenty something (mid twenty daw eh).
I started off stating I was and is still the same as my 19 year old self but now I am thinking I may probably be a completely different person. It may be better or it could be not, I guess I would have to wait a couple of years to have another out of body experience to know the answer to this question, while reading the entries in this blog.
To end this all up I would like to quote my 19 year old closet drama queen self. This is from an entry that was talking about all my fears and hopes. My young and thin self says “ I feel like I am trapped in a very cheap and unwatchable pito pito movie. I am utterly helpless and my fate depends upon a motley crew of an untalented director, a neighborhood parlolista gay makeup artist and a penny-pinching producer”. This I can say was true then and I feel is still true now.
While cleaning my room, I stumbled upon a stack of old notes from way back when papemelroti was still cheap -not too long ago, thank you very much- and I saw innocuously hidden beneath the stack is my small brown journal. I still remember this journal from that period in my life when I was obsessed with love and the future. Yes people, it was college, 3rd to 4th year in fact (and yes I was still keeping a journal then, soo juvenile, yeah sue me like I care). I read thru the entries and between fits of embarrassment (I was so mushy) and maniacal laughter (I was so bratty), I realized that not much has changed for me. Of course, I have matured (yes, this is already mature for me) and I am less naïve, cuter with more disposable income (and fatter much to my dismay) but inside I am still that same old Lawrence. My interests are the same, (or just a derivative of a former interest) and my life is still stucked in that same old pattern. I go through stages of extreme happiness, giddiness, melancholy, and sadness-to-the-point-of-suicide-drama. I am like a frog stucked in an endless cycle of animation and hibernation.
A couple of entries in my old journal struck a chord. One was talking about an old crush and how I was so enamored by his smile and boyish ways (I was not yet out then so most of the entries used sexless pronouns) and one was how depressed I was and discontented with my life. Reading my old emotions is like having an out of body experience. Everything was so intense then; a simple glance from a crush can make me jump up and down in ecstasy while a simple fishball incident (a funny immature spat with a close friend) can cause my whole world to collapse. Back then I can feel a whole gamut of emotions. Unstable yes, but still enviable. I was living, breathing and absorbing life then with all the zeal and gusto of a child in Disney land. I was wide eyed ( still is – literally) and was ready for everything. Back then the entire world I know is the future, waiting for me with open arms and red flowers, ready to shower me with all the opportunities and happiness that will make up all 4 years of academic torture. The anticipation of the future and what the world has to offer me has made me live my life as if I am the principal character in a fairy tale perpetually waiting for that savior that is ready to save me and show how great the world is.
Fast forward to the now, and I know otherwise (yeah I know you know it too). I don’t want to go into a rant of how I think I am not supposed to be like this and how I feel I should be doing something especial by now, etc etc etc (unfortunately I still have yet to grow out of my megalomania). But I just have to wonder what has happened to have changed me from a wide eyed expectant teen to an apathetic mid twenty something (mid twenty daw eh).
I started off stating I was and is still the same as my 19 year old self but now I am thinking I may probably be a completely different person. It may be better or it could be not, I guess I would have to wait a couple of years to have another out of body experience to know the answer to this question, while reading the entries in this blog.
To end this all up I would like to quote my 19 year old closet drama queen self. This is from an entry that was talking about all my fears and hopes. My young and thin self says “ I feel like I am trapped in a very cheap and unwatchable pito pito movie. I am utterly helpless and my fate depends upon a motley crew of an untalented director, a neighborhood parlolista gay makeup artist and a penny-pinching producer”. This I can say was true then and I feel is still true now.
PS.
I would like to share a remarkably sad (or hilariously funny depending on whose reading it) passage from one of the poems I wrote when I was extremely infatuated with DD (that is what I use to call my crush). This poem was talking about and is titled ‘Unrequited’. (I know, I was and still is lacking in imagination)
It is a lonesome feeling,
Warm tears in your eyes,
Coldness in your face,
Coz you know the eyes don’t see
It so ludicrous
When the heart will remember
And the world will not
The feeling that you have
It’s an ugly feeling
Realizing you can’t have
The only thing that you want
Oh, unrequited love
Chaka….May “oh” pa talaga, Hahahahahaha.
PSS.I would like to give a shout out to my three readers, Dang Manok, Cherry Boobies and Kat Kikay. I know I forced you by subtly implying that I have a blog and by forwarding to you the link. Para sulit na you know you can also leave a note. Hahaha. Peace out.
1 comment:
ang kyoray! kakaloka mga ingles! in fairness, it's very you..hehe
comment from chuchay:
"ang taba ni dong"
bwahahahahaha
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